Conflicted…

Posted: November 3, 2016 in BDSM, Chastity, Fetish, Key-Holder, Kinky, Male Chastity, Orgasm Denial

A few months ago, I wrote a little bit about how lately (this past year, anyway) I’ve been sort of trying to get a little bit more involved in our local “kink community.”  Specifically, you can re-read my last post on the subject here, if interested: From Play Parties to Phone Sex.

canstockphoto35276707I got started with this by finally getting up the courage to venture out to a Munch which meets once a month just a few miles from my house.  I’ve never really been much of a social butterfly at all, and I’m definitely not particularly good at just striking up random conversation with people I don’t know.  The first time I went to this munch I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into, but I am so glad that I tried it!  Everybody is always so warm and welcoming, and overall very easy to talk to.  I’m STILL not always the best at approaching anyone “new” out of the blue, but I’ve gotten to know enough people there, and get introduced to even more folks THROUGH the people I know, that I am definitely much more comfortable in that environment now than when I first started attending.

One nice thing about attending and meeting people at community events is that I can really just be myself without any judgement whatsoever.  There is definitely an overall mentality around there of “Your kink may not be MY kink, but your kink is still perfectly OK!”  I enjoy being able to be completely open about myself like that.  Much like spilling everything here on my blog (generally more anonymous here, outside of now maybe a handful of local folks who know me and might possibly read my writing from time to time as well); but it’s very nice to have an outlet where I am also able to talk face-to-face with people about more taboo topics that I could never bring up around my “vanilla” friends.

Another nice thing with munches, is that you get to find out about all sorts of OTHER events going on at various times around town, and talk to folks who attend them and can give great insights!  There is one such play party in particular that is very well attended by many people in the community which is certainly a lot of fun!  I’ve been to it myself about 3 times now over the past year.  It’s fairly tame (I suppose!) in comparison to other kinds of parties you might read about.  I may just be naïve though, making such statements without any other real basis of comparison!  🙂  I don’t even really have much desire to actually “play” here, without having Angel with me, but the point is that it is a great place to expand horizons and learn new things within a very safe atmosphere!

That’s the back story, and here’s where a bit of potential “conflict” comes into the picture.  Admittedly, the first couple of munches that I attended, and even the first time I went to this play party, was without Angel’s knowledge.  I did feel bad about hiding it from her, but really wanted to just kind of test the waters a little bit to see if just maybe it might be something that the two of us could someday do together!  I DO think that she may very well like it there, based solely on how much she enjoys some of the more limited BDSM-type activities that we get to engage in from time to time in the privacy of our home.

So despite doing all of this behind Angel’s back in the beginning, once I saw for myself how fun and safe an environment this was I did try my best to bring it up to Angel relatively quickly, and get her involved as well.  It didn’t really go so well, but you can read more of that story on my previous post mentioned above.  We did at least have a good, meaningful conversation about my “community involvement” and I promised Angel that I would not do anything else like that without her at least knowing about it and “letting” me go.  And I haven’t.  The munches and even a couple of play parties since that time have only happened AFTER I told Angel that it was going on, and asked if she would mind if I attended.

Angel doesn’t really seem to be AS concerned about a munch, once I described it as basically just a giant happy hour at a local bar.  You have a couple drinks, hang out with friends, maybe shoot some pool or something..  It’s pretty harmless.  Where she seems to have a little bit more of a hangup is with the play parties.  The first time I asked her if I could attend one was actually when she was out of town for a weekend.  She did agree and even seemed to rather enjoy hearing a recap of it later on! (again, see previous post) But more recently, when I asked if I could go to the latest party she was much more reluctant.

This one was actually a Halloween themed event so if for no other reason I kind of wanted to go just to see some of my friend’s costumes!  I made sure that Angel knew about it well ahead of time so she’d have a little time to think about it.  And that Saturday night I even made absolutely sure that everything was taken care of as far as kids baths/bedtime, etc. before I even thought about leaving her there alone.  Angel wasn’t going to say “NO” to me about going (she’s much to nice for that) but I could just kind of tell that the idea really wasn’t sitting with her very well that night.  I asked her a few times if I should just stay home, but she said No–if I wanted to go I should go..  So I ended up going.  I did feel a little bad about it, but I knew (at least hoped!) that we’d be able to talk through it more later…

canstockphoto36525445The party was fun, as always!  I found a few folks I knew to hang out with and just kind of watch everything going on around the place.  The only thing I generally end up wishing is that Angel could be there with me as well.  But she is definitely not “ready” for that kind of thing, and really isn’t sure she ever will be.  And that’s fine, I do understand and fully respect her position on that.  When I got back home Angel was already in bed, so I couldn’t really know if she was angry/disappointed that I had gone out that night.  Even when we got up the next morning it was pretty much just “business as usual” with the kids and such, so we didn’t really have any time to sit and actually talk about it.

When we did finally have a chance for a heart-to-heart about it, Angel told me some of the worries that she still has sometimes.  Most notably that she’s just not “enough” for me, or that I’m going to get “bored” and leave her for somebody else.  I had to assure her that that is absolutely NOT true and will NEVER happen!  I love Angel more than anything, and have absolutely no desire to be with anybody else!  I reminded Angel that SHE alone has the keys to my chastity device, and I gave them to her willingly and forever!  When we’re together, even (or especially!) when she’s having orgasm after orgasm while keeping me locked and denying mine, I just feel such a connection–as if I could just melt right into her!  She makes me feel everything that SHE feels, and I absolutely love how far we’ve come on this journey together and can’t bear the thought of it ever coming to an end!

Maybe I started to stray (just a little bit) off topic in that last paragraph, but the point is that I would definitely never leave Angel just to find someone else who might be into slightly more “BDSM-type” things than she is.  Even when I do go to events like this, if/when it does come up in conversation I am always very open about the fact that I am married.  I am not ashamed of Angel in the least, nor would ever try to hide her.  If she ever wanted to come WITH me it would be even better, but I do completely understand and respect her decision not to.  Everybody I have ever talked to in this community is also very understanding and respectful of relationship statuses as well.  Of course their are always some folks who might be in more of an “open” marriage, and that’s a totally different situation for them, but mine is not–and as far as I’m concerned never will be!  The trick is just to get Angel to understand my position on this as well.

canstockphoto19073264

So I am still a bit conflicted on what to do when the next munch comes around, or especially another play party that I might like to go to.  Of course I will still always tell Angel and give her a chance to discuss it with me.  And if she just flat doesn’t want me to attend things like this, I would be compelled to honor her wishes.  It’s definitely not worth losing what we already have with each other!  I HAVE made some very good “kinky” friends in the community though, so it would also be a shame to never get out to anything else to hang out with them.  I do believe though that a completely open line of communication is the best possible thing right now (as it is for ANY marriage, really!), and that as long as we can keep that going then in the end everything will work itself out for the best!

Comments
  1. deepexplorations says:

    It seems to me that the best bet would be to see if you can get her to go to a munch. No pressure, no play, just chatting with some of your new friends. That way she could meet them and see who they are and what they’re up to. At that point she may be more willing to join you at parties, or she may put her foot down. It seems like with the success you’ve had introducing chastity and light BDSM that you guys have a solid foundation to explore more as long as you keep doing what you’ve been doing.
    Most public BDSM parties don’t allow sex, and I’ve seen many scenes where two people who weren’t a couple had a scene and then when their respective ways. Angel and many wives would probably be a lot less cool about that but it does happen.

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    • pcguy0681 says:

      Well you’re right, that would definitely be the ideal situation, if I could at least get Angel out to a Munch some day. And it’s possible, maybe (hopefully!), but it will have to happen completely on her time table..

      Angel has said that she doesn’t really want to keep me from going out and doing things without her sometimes, as we both know that SHE does take at least a few evenings most months to do various things with her friends; but then I do know her friends and know exactly where they are and what they’re doing… I asked her if a lot of it might just be the fact that she doesn’t know any of the people I’m hanging out with at these events. She didn’t really confirm or deny that, but I do suspect that’s probably at least something to do with it. She does know that she’s more than welcome to join me at a munch ANY time she’d like, but of course then we’d have to coordinate babysitting and whatnot too.. which is sometimes possible but generally a bit harder to come by on weeknights than it is on a Fri or Sat evening!

      But as much as it would help to meet some of the local community, she’s just not really ready for that yet. I think (even at just a munch) she’d just be extremely worried about bumping into someone she knows from the outside and that would really freak her out! Yes, I’ve told her that even on the off-chance that happened, nothing would come of it being how they would be there for the SAME REASONS, but that doesn’t really seem to matter in this case.

      So for now I’m just hopeful that if I can keep going and let her see that I still ALWAYS come straight back to her and tell about the good times to be had, maybe she’ll eventually change her mind and take that first step with me.. until then, I still love her to death anyway! 🙂

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      • deepexplorations says:

        It sounds like you’ve got it figured out pretty well. Patience and gentle persistence seems like the way to go. I totally agree about meeting people you know in the scene. I’ve met people who are worried about that, but just like you I figure that they’re looking for the same thing and would be sure to be discreet because they’re out for the same thing, kink. Maybe you could even make a new good friend that way who shared your secrets.
        You’ve definitely got a keeper there!
        On a different but related note. I’m kind of fascinated by the whole chastity thing so I like experiencing it through you. I’d love to play with it, but I’m not interested in long term or “fem dom” relationships per se. I’d rather play with it for a few days at a time here and there. But my question is: there seems to be a number of guys into chastity who are also into cuckholding. Is that a fantasy for you, or do you just dig chastity for chastity’s sake?

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        • pcguy0681 says:

          Hi, thanks for the comments- it’s always nice hearing from folks living the lifestyle either WITH me or vicariously THROUGH me! 🙂

          The great thing is, there are no hard and fast “rules” to chastity. Everyone is different and can play in whatever way suits them the best. If you just want to lock up for a couple days at a time, I’d say go for it! That’s a great place to start, and if you enjoy it enough to want to try extending it longer you can, or if not then that’s perfectly OK too!

          When it comes to cuckolding, you’re right that it’s a pretty common theme in many chastity circles. And to be honest I can’t really say that it has never crossed my mind too. I can kind of see the appeal, but it is absolutely only a fantasy in my book. And a distant one at that! I really can’t imagine myself ever truly being OK with something like that, and even though we’ve never discussed it I’m rather certain that Angel wouldn’t be either. So, great for anyone who DOES practice cuckolding, but don’t ever think it’s something you’d eventually “have to” get into if you start down the path of chastity..

          I think I did have one other post a while back on that same subject but I’d have to go back and find a link. I’ll try to look later, or you can also do a search on my site for “cuckolding” and it’ll probably come up..

          Liked by 2 people

  2. I think you are a great example of how loving an alternative lifestyle can be.

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  3. I have had a similar situation with my wife. We have gone to several fetish nights and a few play parties in the past. Perhaps a year ago a play party I always wanted to go to was on a night that we both could go. I brought it up and she said we could go. I made contact and received an invitation (eventually) so was looking forward to going. On the day in question my Queen was miserable. I got ready that evening and waited for her. Eventually she said she wasn’t going. I could go alone but she wasn’t going. There were tears and a deep conversation where I found out how difficult she found such events. In the end I did not go–after all I wanted to go with my Queen–not by myself. I haven’t asked about any events since. I love my Queen too much to hurt her and these events seem to do that. If you have a great thing going why do anything to hurt it. The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence!

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