First of all, to all of my readers in the U.S., Happy Labor Day! I don’t really have any pithy remarks about this “unofficial” end of summer, so let’s just say have fun! 🙂 And now on to what I REALLY wanted this post to be about!
I’ve written a little bit before about WHY I’m interested in male chastity and orgasm denial. Ok so really that’s basically this entire blog, but specifically I posted about it earlier this year with my piece titled appropriately:
I stand by everything I wrote on that page at the time, but the other day I also came across a little different perspective on this topic which I felt was worth writing more about. This is from a chastity forum on Reddit, where the author granted me permission to cross-post his writing, so enjoy!
mcqueen455 wrote:
Some thoughts on “The Why” of Chastity
I’ve been playing with this kink for over 5 years now and like almost everyone else here I’ve been wrapped up in getting the best device, figuring out a way to introduce the idea to my keyholder, figuring out how to best interact with my keyholder, and exploring variations of the general theme of chastity. Whenever I’ve started to dig into the “why” I never really got much further than looking back and picking out moments in my life that support the argument that a desire to be submissive has always been there. Just recently though, I’m starting to question if that’s right. I bet that for every man who was already submissive to his wife in the bedroom and chastity was later introduced to expand on that behavior, that there are 20 men who were not really all that submissive before and chastity was the first major step down that path.
For the sake of keystrokes here I’m going to call the first guy the “true” submissive. My thought is that most men in chastity are not “true” submissives and that’s supported by how prevalent topping from the bottom is in this kink. I think there’s a bunch of men who are not really submissive but have discovered chastity as a means for sexual engagement. If you have been in a relationship where there is a dramatic difference in sex drives then chances are sexually you have felt underutilized, put on a shelf, or under-engaged. Lock a chastity device on your cock though and instantly you are now sexually engaged—albeit the engagement is from someTHING and not someONE. The engagement from the inanimate object hanging on our junk is not as great as sexual engagement from someone but it’s still pretty awesome though because it’s constant, unwavering and unrelenting and it’s always there when we are in the mood for it.
This ability to be sexually engaged just through the use of a device can also explain why so many single men are self-locked because chances are without the device they would not be sexually engaged at all or at the very least sexually under-engaged just like those of us who have a partner with a lower libido than ours. Now with just the twist of a key like us, they can now be sexually engaged nearly every waking moment. For those of us who are not self-locked, handing over our keys to our sexual partner changes them from a far too infrequent interested party to someone who through the use of the device is now engaging us 24/7. In less nuanced language it turns them into a sex fiend, someone who is always in our pants—even when we’re in our staff meeting, on our drive to work, in the produce section of the supermarket, on the running trail, at the game, or in the plumbing section of the hardware store.
The chastity device also stands alone with the exception of an intimate piercing or a cock ring as the one device that offers engagement 24/7. Unlocked we can all wank and use any number of toys to enhance that experience. Put a 9 inch dildo up your ass when you masturbate and you’ll no doubt be engaged by that object but that engagement is fleeting and is only desirable as long as you can hold your load. Not only does the chastity device engage us longer but by its nature it prevents us from blowing our load—which makes it desirable nearly all of the time.
In a nutshell, I contend that a chastity device allows us to have something that we crave—greater sexual engagement which helps us bridge the gap between mismatched libidos. The craving for greater sexual engagement is so deep that we’re willing to do just about anything for it, and the most obvious thing to us is to place ourselves in the service of another in exchange for holding our key, acknowledging our situation and occasionally interacting with us.
I find this to be a very interesting point of view! I do completely agree that it does pretty much immediately make you be sexuality engaged 24×7. Where I would expand, I think, is on the concept of using it to help balance mismatched libidos, and on the statement that we are basically placing ourselves “into the service of another in exchange for holding our key, acknowledging our situation, and occasionally interacting with us.”
I think mcqueen is right that there are probably plenty of guys out there whose partners truly have a very low sex drive, and locking up and hoping for that very occasional interaction is the best way of having any sexual engagement at all. I can’t speak for all situations, but I will say to anybody in this type of relationship that there’s always a chance that it could change! For my particular situation, Angel has always been relatively active sexually, but once we got into chastity and she began seeing the benefits of it, her drive has completely gone through the roof! I would contend that we have far more sex now than we ever did pre-chastity, albeit “different” forms of sex. There could very well be cases of a key-holder with little to no libido pre-chastity, but once she starts benefiting from all the extra attention being paid to her, then possibly getting more confident and feeling more sexy herself, the frequency of sexual encounters could also increase exponentially; a win-win for all involved! But of course everyone’s mileage will vary greatly, based on your own individual circumstances…
In response to my remarks, mcqueen added the following statement:
I think a low libido keyholder could take to chastity very well because now if she truly takes control there’s no pressure on her to take things any further than what she wants.
This is also a very good point. Once in control of the keys, there’s nothing saying that a woman must automatically increase the sexual attention that she gives to her now-chaste partner! If both people are (relatively) happy with their given situation, I’m certainly not one to judge a relationship!
Does anybody else have any thoughts on this subject? Do you find yourself identifying with this line of reasoning for engaging in chastity? What other reasons do you have for participating in this particular kink?
I completely agree with the notion that male chastity plays nicely into the hands of a couple with a libido mismatch. Speaking as a male that has quite a high libido by comparison to my wife, we are finding our way in this lifestyle but I think we are both beginning to see the benefits. As a wearer it does please me when my situation is recognised by my wife, even just locking me up after cleaning and hiding the spare key. She is learning that these moments are enough to tide me over and the promise of release focuses my mind on what will one day be, rather than when it will be. Meanwhile, like jnCovington comments above, my wife can guiltlessly carry on with her life while I get aroused by the situation that she is obviously privy too and day by day, becomes more accepting of.
Before chastity entered into my life I never thought about sex in the way I do now. Waiting for the next orgasm, not being in control and knowing when it will be allowed. I am reminded throughout the day that I have steel locked around her testicles; and her penis incased in steel.
I now find that I pay more attention to my Keyholder, hoping that she will be kind enough to replicate, to her caged property.
I now know when I had my last orgasm, permitted my last allowable release with PIV, the day and time the current lock up started?
I remember all the deprived/ruined ones, until full release is allowed, and then they are just vague memories.
Before I gave full control to my Keyholder/Wife, I really never gave these things a minute of thought. Sex was just something that was there. Even if it was just a quickie (wham-bam thank you mam), I was satisfied and that was all that mattered. Now I have to rely on my Keyholder for release and satisfaction, so I must keep her happy.
She says that my only obligation is to keep her locked property clean and not to worry about anything else; she is in control of the rest.
I know that there are a lot of reasons for chastity, but when it is a commitment, than it is not for play. Our situation is the one described as low libido for the Keyholder, now she has no pressures or demands for sexual favorers, just her taking control for her pleasure, as she proudly wears the key to her property.
Hey friends. I’ll add a comment to this topic. I do agree with the Reddit post regarding the chastity device allowing for more “engagement” regardless of being single or coupled. I will also agree that wearing a device does not, in and of itself, make you a submissive.
What I will add to this discussion is with regard to the VERY common male fantasy of being teased and denied. Personally, and with the agreement of many that I’ve shared my thoughts with, the use of a chastity device, and the subsequent teasing that accompanies it, allows for an extended feeling of foreplay. As long as the orgasm is withheld or prevented, there is the constant arousal in the nether region. Some men really enjoy that feeling, myself included. An orgasm is a quick release, and then what? Bored again…LOL
Further, women are generally not on the same page with men when it comes to sex drive. There are always the outliers, the ones that have a good sex drive etc… But from what I’ve seen, many women don’t build up the event like men do. Some are good for a weekly encounter, some may only need a monthly “tune-up”. So what do we do in the meantime if our drive is greater than that? This is the beauty of chastity. It occupies the male mind, while allowing the female to guiltlessly carry on her life. She can dictate the terms which is always fun, well, at least for me it is. 😉
Anyway, I can go on for hours…LOL. I liked your post and wanted to acknowledge it. Thanks for sharing!
Wow, very good, thoughtful comments- Thank you so much for reading!
i think McQueen has some good points I general, but hit my SPECIFIC case right on the mark. Due to arthritis, my wife is physically uncomfortable all the time, does not feel sexual at all as a result, and it is painful for her for us to engage in most sexual positions. I have suggested me using a vibrator with her for some pleasure, but that seems to run counter to her visualization and desire from sex. On the other hand, she is aware of and sensitive to my sexual desires, and so we have been in this hard to describe space where I am aroused by her still, emotionally she is still engaged, but physically challenged. We have found that chastity play is filling the gap right now. But until I read this post I was having a tough Tim describing for myself and my wife what the impact was.
Now I feel,like I have the words to describe our relationship with my MM pet trap these days.
My wife and I are both very much looking forward to the joint replacement surgery that will ease her discomfort in the near future. What role chastity plays for us after that is uncertain.
Very good, thanks for the comment! Yes, I can see how chastity play could help: not only for a partner who may just not be interested much in general with sex, but maybe IS interested in keeping that flame alive but is physically unable to do much in that department. It’s a great way to keep you on edge while reducing the pressure on HER to “perform.”
Good luck to you both, I hope the surgery goes well and that you can both continue to share and help each others’ desires come true! 🙂
So it turns out that the original post and follow ups came in very handy this morning. Like I said, the OP helped me to attach words to my own thoughts on why I like being in my pet trap. So earlier this week my wife and I wee talking, and I said I was in the mood to be locked again, and we agreed I would lock myself on Friday (yesterday) and give her the key. So happily self locked yesterday, but the opportunity did not come up to give her the key and discuss “how long” until this morning.
I started by explaining it like this: imagine that your hand was on my penis and balls. That would arouse me, and keep me very interested in what happens next. Now replace your hand with my cage, and YOU holding the key, and it’s like we’re in a constant state of foreplay. So part of me wants out and to have an orgasm from you, but the other part enjoys this state or arousal, and would like to experience it for a long long time without release.
That was the gist of it, with some discussion of her current temporary physical limitations, and me (quite honestly) acknowledging that when we get back to normal sex life, I’m not sure what role chastity will have for me.
Not only was I more comfortable with my thinking, she seemed to understand it better, and seemed much more engaged. (Reference intended)
So at the moment, I am still locked, and my release time is sometime between tomorrow and February. I kind of want both! Since this is fairly new to her I suspect shorter than longer, but at this point, I am very happy that she is partnered with me in this, regardless of time.
Very cool, congrats! I hope you both get everything you want out of it. Keep us posted on your progress, I love hearing other’s stories as much as sharing my own!
Just a short update. So as I kind of expected, that lock up of Sep 8 only lasted a couple of days. She got overly distracted by some work issues, and without her involvement at all, it was pretty boring being locked, so we agreed it was best to unlock. It was not bad at a all, but a mutual acknowledgement (in so many words) that without her being part of it, there was little pleasure.
This weekend was fun, including a family wedding where we saw family members we have not seen in a while, and by last night we were mutually aroused. Unfortunately, her joint issues kind of spoiled the mood (can’t wait for that surgery and healing to be behind us) but left me , ummm, unfulfilled. This morning on our way to breakfast I shared with her how aroused I was last night, and how I had this mental image of her in her lingerie, etc, and that I kind of felt I would prefer to be locked up and teased if I was not going to get anorgasm anyway! She smiled, chuckled, and said, well let’s do that! You lock up and i’ll keep the key! She really floored me!
But we’re still feeling this out, so let the matter drop during our meal, and did. It bring it up when we got home. But before she left for work, she asked me for the key! (Wow!) so I went up, and got out my MM Pet Trap. As you might guess, I was aroused just by her words, so I spent a few minutes willing myself into a more flaccid state, and then put on my device, tightened the countersunk screw, and gave her the key. She asked how long, and I said lets make a game of it. I promise not to ask for release (except medical or TSA requirements) and that she would release me when she felt I earned it. We had talked before breakfast about how much I needed her to be part of it, and engaged, so that was in her smile when she said with a glint in her eye “you’ll never ask?” And I said “nope, I only want out when you are ready for me to cum”.
So right now I am seriously on cloud nine. I am locked and totally filling my Trap as I write this. I am hopeful that this turns out to be a few days, but I am much more comfortable now that our discussions on the topic, using the words and thoughts from the original post, are reflective of our relationship and my desires, and her comfort. I doubt I will be Locked until February (when her recovery is expected to be complete), and. It sure I want to be, but I do know I want to be locked as long as she wants me to be locked, and is part of it.
Wish us luck !
Thanks for the update! Congrats and good luck!
I know in our situation the low libido was definitely an issue for MrsL. She has never had a very high sex drive. I think her strict Catholic upbringing played a lot in tempering that as a child.
Now; however, 18 months into this lifestyle her sex drive has skyrocketed and she is way more sexually confident. There are times when she “checks” out still and I find myself giving her little reminders; however, all-in-all we are having more sexual intimacy, contact, making love, whatever you choose to call it now! She even initiates most of it!