Kinky Community: To Join or Not To Join?

Posted: April 23, 2018 in BDSM, Fetish, Kinky

canstockphoto394806

Last week when I wrote about my plans to attend a rope bondage class being offered in my city, I got quite a few comments of support. It seems there are quite a few fans of rope who read my blog! 🙂

You can go back and read the full post plus comments HERE, but one side conversation left me wanting to write my thoughts in a lot more detail than I could really fit in the comments section there. Nijntje wrote [paraphrasing] that she is also very interested in rope bondage, but had no desire to ever ‘out’ herself by attending a public class.

Being very curious as to whether her reservations about venturing out into the BDSM community were similar at all to Angel’s reasons, I had to ask a few follow-up questions. Here is an excerpt of the reply, which is the part I wanted to expand upon:

“My biggest issue is the work I’m in, it really does not mix with kink, people around here are not very open minded so I’m pretty sure I would lose my job very quickly!

We had one sex shop in town and it really was not at all professional looking or a place I felt comfortable in, if that tells you anything. It turned into a drug paraphernalia store right after selling stuff like that became legal …. the only one in town like I said, if there is a ‘community’ here I hesitate to think what type of people are in it. That would be a major factor as well.”

Thanks for elaborating there, nijntje. I can definitely see the hesitation if you don’t feel “safe” in your region with getting involved with anybody of this nature. I’m pretty fortunate that there is a pretty well established and thriving BDSM community in my city. Sure, there are always going to be a few bad apples pop up here and there, but people look out for one another–a lot! It is always HIGHLY recommended to get out from behind your computer and at least venture out to a Munch to start networking in a laid back, vanilla establishment. But then once out there (as long as not immediately making an ass of yourself) it’s fairly easy to start getting invited to other functions around town. There are things going on somewhere pretty much every week; unfortunately I’m just not able to fit very many into my schedule!

canstockphoto30148179As for the job.. I guess I can’t completely relate because I don’t share that mindset myself.  But I do understand that it’s a very real fear and will never knock anyone for making a decision for themselves based on that. Angel is in the exact same place with that particular worry. To keep it simple and vague, let’s just say that she works in the “Public Sector.” And she’s pretty terrified that if she were out at such an event and just one person ever recognized her, it could get back to her administration and she could lose her job.

Obviously, I would never want that to happen to her either. But frankly, I kind of have a hard time believing that it WOULD happen! The first reason I say that is because everyone at a “kink event” is there for similar reasons. Either they enjoy watching and/or participating in whatever is going on at the event, or they just like to socialize with like-minded individuals and always continue learning more about safe ways to practice their kink. If somebody were to recognize Angel from her vanilla life, to “out” her would be to out themselves as well! And to purposly out somebody… I have a feeling that would be one of the quickest ways to get yourself banned from any future BDSM events as well!


The second reason I’d have a hard time believing that Angel’s job would be in jeopardy is that there is nothing illegal going on at these events! Especially a Munch.. To an outside observer this would just look like a regular happy hour among a group of work friends! But even at other events, play parties, etc. that I’ve either been to (very few) or heard about (lots!), the organizers go to great lengths to make sure every ‘i’ is dotted and ‘t’ crossed from a legal standpoint. Any participation is completely of an individual’s own free will and consent, and can be stopped at any time. Pictures & videos are generally forbidden within a playspace. Some events do allow alcohol in moderation (though never WHILE playing!) while others do not allow it at all. And as far as I know other drugs are always completely off-limits everywhere. There can never be any indication whatsoever of any money/goods/services being exchanged for any sort of sexual act. That kind of thing will also get you thrown out very quickly!

Maybe I’m just completely naive and clueless as to what is ACTUALLY happening at BDSM themed events, but that’s always been my understanding of the rules going in to anything like that. And maybe other parts of the country are different and have a much more shady “underground.” I can’t speak to any of that, but I can just say that at least in MY city the limited involvement that I’ve been able to have the past couple of years in the BDSM community has been a very positive experience!

I’m going to quote here from a conversation that I had quite a while ago with a well-known and respected ‘leader’ within the local community, whom I consider a friend. I’ll just keep it anonymous because I didn’t specifically ask permission to post this–but it’s general & vague enough information that I know it won’t be a problem. This was in regards to my coming out to public events despite the fact that my wife wouldn’t join me..

“Just remember that the best possible choice to make is to give her information – never hide or mask things from your partner(s) unless they request to be left in the dark. Most of the time, the fears people have stem from a lack of realistic or solid information. BDSM has this horrible stigma that makes people think we are a bunch of misfits and freaks who use torture and degradation as a way to heal our pathetic souls… lol

In reality, we are a group of professionals, parents, clergy members, students, writers, teachers, doctors, lawyers, business owners, CEO’s, dentists, vet techs, computer programmers, marketing agents, with a couple of misfits thrown in because they are pretty cool too!”

My point in posting that is to say that you never know who you may find at a BDSM event! It’s a lifestyle that can (and does) appeal to so many people, from ALL walks of life.  Who knows, that could even include a colleague or boss whom you’d never have dreamed could be into this type of thing! I’ve never personally run into somebody that I know from my vanilla life, but it clearly COULD happen.. Rather than being mortified by that thought, I look at it from a standpoint that it would give me a deeper connection with that person. Even if we would never mention it to each other again outside of said event, the knowledge would always be there that “they understand.” Maybe there would just be an extra little head nod and knowing smile as we pass each other in the hallways of the workplace… or whatever!

canstockphoto6276874It really is a very personal choice though.  Even though I am definitely NOT a social butterfly by any means and still feel a little awkward sometimes around people that I don’t know very well, I still enjoy getting out whenever I can and interacting with the local community at least in a small capacity.  Just being able to get out there and see or hear about others’ experiences kind of helps me figure out just where I fit in the overall puzzle of kinky things.

But other’s, like Angel, are perfectly content to keep all kinky experiences only between one or two people and always behind closed doors.  And that’s perfectly OK too.

Comments
  1. nijntje says:

    I think it’s great that you have such a wonderful community at your finger tips! I’m sure that there are many good and respectable circles in many places, unfortunately I don’t feel we have that here where I am.

    I’ll elaborate just for the sake of understanding, I work for myself, by myself and with babies and children. The only thing required for me to lose my job would be for someone to start gossip. Founded or unfounded wouldn’t matter, there is no due process when it comes to mean spirited people with a gang mentality.

    I need to be Mary Poppins … not O! LoL Once the gossip started people would simply stop coming. I wish I could say I was overly cautious but I have seen people’s lives damaged here for less.

    Liked by 1 person

    • pcguy0681 says:

      That’s a very good point. I hadn’t really expanded my thoughts to being self-employed, where losing “customers” because they might think of you as being too questionable of a character for their tastes, would probably be even worse than having a “boss” knowing about your lifestyle and potentially acting negatively towards you because of it. Thanks again for sharing! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. porngirl3 says:

    Wow. Interesting. So people don’t necessarily use BDSM to heal. I find that amazing….because I have become so much more closer to who I wanted to become…so much stronger by embracing BDSM. But ok. I can accept that a lot of people just see it as play. Which is great too.

    I didn’t know this existed really until recently but even before I did I was on a journey of self discovery and acceptance. So to me this is just an extension of that. One which I am quite proud of and I have tastes that are far from the norm in the vanilla world and yet I not only embrace it I want to shout it from the rooftops. Respectfully. So as not to make people uncomfortable, of course.

    I recognize I am being naive and it may indeed maybe cause me some awkwardness when people find out. But I’m at the point in life where I just want to be myself and celebrate myself entirely and if the world isn’t ready to accept that their loss.
    Meanwhile someone has to lead the charge. Not me…many have come before me, but I am standing tall in my dominion.

    I am doing nothing wrong. This is healthy for me and people can judge all they want.
    I have met some beautiful people in that realm and the community of people here is so refreshing and accepting.

    I can’t say what others shouldn’t or should do….but for me there is no going back. I am so happy to be here. Free at last!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • pcguy0681 says:

      Well said, thank you so much for the input! I have also found the BDSM community to always be very welcoming and accepting. Overall, much less “judgy” than many of my own family and vanilla acquaintances.

      There’s a pretty fine line though I think (for some folks anyway) between wanting to shout from the rooftops of this newfound freedom we’ve found in ourselves with BDSM, vs. also wanting to keep the vanilla relationships intact and not make THOSE people too uncomfortable to even be around us… It can be tricky to navigate sometimes!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s